This month's Inspire Me testimony comes from another beautiful soul that I have known all of my life. We grew up in church together and have grown so much as mothers and individuals of Christ. Dalaiia is such a precious soul. She is full of life and my sis can SANNGGGG. She's probably not going to be too happy about me saying that but she will be okay (Love you!!)
She's so talented and I am so thankful to be apart of her life. Since my move to North Carolina, I have not been directly involved in her life but we have remained in contact and our catch up sessions are the best.
I am so thankful that speaking out about mental and emotional health are topics that are now supported and encouraged. We never know what another person is experiencing or where they are mentally and emotionally. I am learning how important it is to check, love, encourage and support one another wherever we may be in our healing.
Dalaiia, thank you sis for being so willing to be open and vulnerable about your experience. Trust and know that nothing that you have or are experiencing is "just because." There's so much purpose within you. I love you sis.
Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary.” – Fred Rogers
So it took me a couple of weeks to figure out how to say this, how to word it to where I don’t seem crazy, or naked and vulnerable...and I realized that it would be impossible to do it without being truthful.
So I’ll start here...I have struggled and is struggling with my emotions and this constant battle in my mind. Even as I write I’m fighting the thoughts of not being good enough, the fear of dying, struggling with my self-esteem, fighting for my faith and trust in God and even sometimes believing in Him.
I have been diagnosed with depression, bipolar disorder, Insomnia, and generalized anxiety disorder, along with a handful of physical ailments that I contend with on a daily basis. I dealt with these things quietly when it seemed no one understood, or that I was just being dramatic or “extra." That’s all it took for me to keep quiet. From there, I begin dealing with my emotions by smoking weed, having sex, drinking heavily, getting into toxic relationships. I started cutting myself to deal with the pain.
It didn’t seem to get better...just worse.
I lost the father of my child from cancer. There were so many unanswered questions, so much anger and frustration that I was left to deal with now that he’s not here. I threw myself deeper and deeper into drinking and sex just to numb the pain and confusion. Still oblivious to Christ and his open-door policy.
See God knew how deep the swamp was. He didn’t care that I was filthy. He just wanted to help me get out of it, but He needed my permission first. However, I was unwilling to give it to Him, until one day, a relationship I was in ended and I didn’t see it coming. It was almost like getting hit with a ton of bricks.
I wanted to die...literally. I just wanted to be loved and to love, and my reality of that happening was now engulfed in flames. My heart was absolutely broken and because of the mess that I got myself into, I didn’t tell anyone I was hurt. Yes, even though it was a relationship, relationships have such a significant hold over a person and I allowed that to keep a hold on me. I made him my peace, my sanctuary, and fortress. I sat in church one day completely unaware of my surroundings, and begin to write a suicide letter to give to my best friend. I felt that I couldn’t do it anymore. I was so tired of carrying this burden. I was tired of crying. I just wanted everything to be over.
I timed everything perfectly until someone asked me how I was doing. Of course “I’m fine, came out.” They looked at me and said you don’t have to tell me but talk to someone about it. My best friend who kinda knew something was up, texted me when I got home. I begin to tell her I was contemplating suicide. She called me, didn’t ask questions but immediately started praying. And I cried because I didn’t feel alone for the first time. I begin surrounding myself around women who had a real relationship with God and could pray.
The pain didn’t ease up as I wanted it too. I was accustomed to suppressing it the quick way and didn’t understand the process of healing. I had to realize that God HAD to get rid of the build-up that was in my life. I had to talk to someone and take steps to allow God to restore me mentally and emotionally. I began this journey by denouncing everything the enemy said I was or wasn’t, continuously speaking life over myself and the woman God wanted me to be.
Even at this moment, it’s hard for me, but I choose God over everything. Even when I don’t want to believe, I still choose Him. When fear becomes present in my life, it is Christ I still choose. God wants so deeply to heal the broken parts of us. He wants to make things better. We are his daughters and there is no amount of pain that we feel and no measure of thoughts we think that are too far from His grasp.
Every day I choose Him and because of Him, I’m able to move, live and breathe️.
1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.