The Real Pursuit
Hey yall!! I know, I know it's been a while. So let me catch up with everyone real quick…Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and everything in between. Haha!
But honestly, since my last post, God has really been growing me and I needed some time away to refocus and re-evaluate. I am still in the process of doing so but I did want to share my experiences since my last post.
**Honest moment…This may be one of my hardest posts I have written thus far (and yes, I know I haven't written much). **
For me, I am learning that I more often than not operate out of fear. Like. Everything. Fear of failure. Fear of embarrassment. Fear of what others think/say (this is a big one for me). Fear of being broke. Fear of redundancy. You name it. Fear. At times, battling all of this can become debilitating.
Most of this <fear> stems from my past, particularly with growing up. My childhood wasn't the roughest of the roughest but it wasn't glamour and glitz either. A lot of events I find myself still struggling with and I am constantly praying and asking God to help me honestly move past it. Through it all I am learning that it was needed for who I am today and who God is developing me to become. But it's been a process.
All of this became tiring. All of this is tiring. The pressure from my past, the pressures of current along with any other self-inflicted pressures all became too much. TOO MUCH.
From this I realized that somewhere along the way, I disregarded who God is and began to rely on my own strengths and abilities. I would not say that this was intentional but at some point I slipped on a slippery slope of unknown pride.
I became so consumed with busyness. Being busy in order to rid myself of all of the abovementioned fears. I mean, I am a millennial so "Don't stop, Won't Stop" was expected for us right? The only thing that comes to a sleeper is a dream, right? I have to always be in the mindset of hustle. Keep going. Who needs rest when you are going after your dreams? Right but oh so wrong. I was wearing myself completely thin but thought that it was all apart of the process of "Making it happen."
The "weird" thing about this place of self-idolatry, nothing made me happy. I have a wonderful and loving husband, amazing children, loving family and friends, good health and great career but I was not genuinely happy and I could not for the life of me figure out why. Would I pray? Constantly. But something was still missing.
My intentions of creating this blog was to inspire others to become their best selves in Christ. I refused to write about being happy and all put together when that's not where I was genuinely. How can I inspire others when I myself don't feel inspired? Why Lord did you have me expose myself in such a vulnerable way of talking to the public about being their best selves when I feel as though I am light years from the place of where I was when I created this blog?
As I continued to fight to read my Word, I was brought to the scriptures in Psalms 32:5; 8; 10-11:
Finally, I confessed all of my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt.
I said to myself, " I will confess my rebellion to the Lord."
And you forgave me! All of my guilt is gone.
The Lord says "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
I will advise you and watch over you.
Many sorrows come to the wicked but unfailing love surrounds those who trust the Lord.
So rejoice in the Lord and be glad, all you who obey Him!
Shout for joy, all you whose hearts are pure!
So why Lord? Because others need to see realness. No one likes being around persons who portray to have it all together when none of us do. People are drawn to realness. That's how Christ works. He doesn't want us to get ourselves together and then come to Him. He wants us to come as we are and allow Him to do His work. The Lord has put me in this place so that my walk with Him may inspire others to trust Him and all of the work that He is doing in their lives. This is so others will know and understand that our walk isn't pretty or easy but it is worth it and that we are here to do this journey of life together. No we don't have to share every detail of our journey with everyone. I trust that God will place specific people in your life who will encourage and pray for you just as He has done for me.
Although I was in a slump, I am thankful that even in that "slump" Jesus was there too. He never left me. Thinking about this brings tears to my eyes. Even when I unintentionally placed God on the back burner of my life in order to pursue everything and everyone else, He was still there. Still granting me His grace and mercy. Still loving me.
I say all of this to encourage you to allow nothing or no one (including yourself) to dictate who God is to you. Go relentlessly after your dreams but never lose sight of Christ. Know that we make plans but He directs them. It's ok to fall. It's okay to have bad days. It's all apart of our walk. Seek forgiveness, re-calibrate and keep going with God as the focal point.
I love you all who take the time out to read these long blog posts. I am constantly praying for you and I pray that my thoughts, my words and my actions continue to most importantly encourage you to pursue Christ wholeheartedly.
Photo by Isaiah Hunter (Esteem)