A Mother's Love: A Love that Extends
This post may seem a bit unorthodox but something that has been on my heart for a while. Being a mother is an important role in my life. However, being completely honest, this is an area where I struggled. I mentally and emotionally struggled to learn a new role from a previously broken place within myself.
Thankfully, through God's grace, I have decided to not allow this broken area to continue to the next generation.
To my sweetest Nylah!
When I first held you, it was a dubious moment. I felt such joy in becoming a mother but I was also so nervous as this was another role in my life where I felt ill-prepared. I wasn't sure what I should do as a mother. I trusted God and relied on Him to see all of us through this newly exciting yet overwhelming phase. That He has done.
Watching you grow has been such a delight but also a painful view of my past, I must admit.
Your personality is so full of love, care and concern for others. You are willing to give your last for others. Your love spans from a place that others may deem as unusual or something to be taken for granted. A place of painful familiarity for me. When I see you, I instantly see myself at that age.
I remember being you. I remember loving in spite of. I remember being so quick to forgive that I ultimately created a pattern of self-denial and low self-worth because time after time, what I freely gave was not reciprocated and I began to grow cold. I remember putting others before myself ALL of the time. I remember trying desperately to win over family members and friends to the point of releasing myself. I remember deciding to treat others as they treated me. I remember turning away from who God designed me to be. I remember being in the awkward place of trying to figure out who I was trying so hard not to be while trying to become something I was never intended to become.
I noticed awhile back that my actions toward you had become not as loving as they could be, but instead were out of a place of frustration from how I recognized who you reminded me of. I became frustrated because you are so sweet and so kind and I knew that people normally take advantage of people like us. They take our kindness for weakness and it ultimately turns our heart cold. As most parents desire, I want you to be better than me. So in my mind, I wanted to help you to be better by in essence stopping you from being who you are. I do not want others to take advantage of you or make fun of who you are so I wanted to help make you tougher and stronger so that you would be better prepared to face this cruel and mean world. However, I didn't notice that I too was becoming like the world that I wanted to protect you from.
I see you and my heart aches for you knowing the world you must face that will undeniably try to take away your innocence and reject your personality. I don’t want you to experience what I have experienced but I now have a better understanding that beyond effective and fervent prayer and Godly parenting, I cannot fully protect you from the world or its vices. I can however, cultivate a loving environment between you and I that is built upon the foundation of Christ's love. I must always put you in God's Hands as He is the only one that can bring about a sense of peace in my heart and mind regarding you. I know that only He can protect you.
See, I have learned that this is how conniving schemes of the enemy work. I have a calling on my life to break generational curses that occurred before me. The enemy knows that I recognize and understand this, so his next tactic to undermine me in this is to further disguise this curse so that I cannot easily recognize it.
I would see you and your actions would cause me to think that I was frustrated at you but in all actuality, its who I was. All the while, my viewpoint of what I thought was frustrating me was creating a deteriorating foundation between you and I. Now, God has allowed me to accept my past as a gateway to who I am becoming and understand this frustration is all a false notion created by the enemy.
That viewpoint will not aid in creating a healthy relationship for us. This will ultimately create dysfunction between you and I, causing you to not have a safe place or a place of comfort and love in me. This is part of the generational curse that I am working to destroy. By becoming frustrated at the little Chiquta that I see in you, I miss the Nylah that you truly are. Staying indirectly frustrated at you does not yield the opportunity for you to flourish and grow as God intends.
HOWEVER, I refuse to allow this to happen. God has specifically chosen me to be your mother. Out of all of the cells that formed to create a healthy and vibrant embryo, they formed to create you to not only become my daughter but my oldest daughter. You were my genesis as a mother. Our relationship helps to set the tone for the other relationships between your siblings and I. I refuse to allow the enemy to distort what God has set forth for our relationship.
We will grow together in our relationship, love one another with an unlimited amount of love and grace. We will work together both now and the days to come to serve the Lord and others together. Our relationship will inspire other mother and daughter relationships as well as your own when the time approaches.
So Nylah, I no longer see your budding personality as my past. I celebrate who you are. I celebrate who you will become. I celebrate you. Do not allow the world, things, situations, people and even me to change who you are. Yes, being who you are will be hard and you may even feel the need to adjust to become more acceptable and to exchange your negative experiences for positives one. I want to encourage you to NEVER change. Trust that God will see you through and just like me, your beginning is a building block to your future. He has uniquely made you to be just who you are. You will soon learn that your love that extends the extra mile and your heart for others will not go overlooked. You will learn that the Godly love that He has placed in your heart will have an impact on a world that seems so consumed by fear, hatred and so many other negative factors. At times, it will not be an easy feat but know that God will provide you with persons who will love, support and encourage you to audaciously walk in your calling, including me.
Thank you for loving me as I am. Thank you for your love and grace toward me as I am learning each and every day how to become the mother that God desires for me to be for you as well as the mother that you need.
I love you unconditionally beyond infinity.
Your Mommy and Best Friend